Written January 2019
Self-care is a “buzzer word” in our society today. Fortunately, this has created significant amounts of awareness and conversation around topics such as mental health, body image, and self-acceptance. Unfortunately, in a sea of information full of opposing or ultra-personal viewpoints, it is easy to become overwhelmed and confused about what self-care really is. Below are five things I have learned and am sharing in hopes to shed light on some aspects of self-love that are less often discussed.
- Personal balance between self-care and burnout is different for everyone. Self-care doesn’t look the same every day. I used to be so rigid with myself. Ex: “This *specific workout/diet/routine* is what self care is for me.” I would constantly feel that if I didn’t do yoga daily, drink an exact amount of water, journal religiously, tongue scrape, drink apple cider vinegar daily, etc. then I had failed myself and I was missing out on self-care. While these things may be important at times in our lives, it’s crucial to recognize that true self-care means paying close attention and listening to your body. A great start is pausing, even just once a day, and taking three *deep* breaths. It sounds overly simple but try it and you may find it is more challenging than you think to make it a habit. Additionally, have fun when getting to know yourself! Ask yourself questions such as: What foods make you feel what way? What friends? What activities? What amount of sleep? There is no one right answer for everyone. Even our own answers change day to day or over time. We are constantly changing and evolving, and therefore our needs change and evolve with us. Being rigid or micromanaging yourself and your routines is, in fact, the opposite of self-care and can easily lead to disordered thinking and behavior. As humans our whole life is a path of high to low, happy to sad and powerful to weak so the sooner and more often we learn to lean into the natural progression of life and flow with it, to let it be what it is, the simpler our lives will become and the more fully we will be able to accept ourselves and those around us.
- Recognize your “why”. While taking care of yourself and your body is incredibly important, sometimes it is so easy to fall into “self-care” traps for the wrong or superficial reasons. Are you doing things in the name of self-care to look a certain way or to feel like your most vibrant self? Are you following a trend that is not backed by evidence-based research? Are you listening to what your own body wants or simply following someone else’s self-care routine because it worked for them? Consider re-evaluating your why and notice where there is room for change.
- Self-talk matters. Your mind-body connection is real. We all carry subconscious limiting beliefs about ourselves and the world. These limiting beliefs are second-nature to us, and often we don’t even realize we have them. We picked them up along the way when we were small and have carried them through life with us like heavy luggage, making it easy to fall into a cycle of constantly picking ourselves apart whether it be physically, emotionally, financially, etc. Perfection is an illusion, yet our society expects nothing less. Our bodies and minds work hard for us and they deserve respect. At any given time, many of us feel less-than worthy in at least one aspect of life. While it is easier said than done, consider creating a habit of recognizing when your inner-critic is talking and replacing that degrading thought with one of appreciation or gratitude. For a more surface-level example, I used to waste so much time trying on a million clothes before going out. With each outfit I tried on, I’d find something else I didn’t exactly embrace – to put it gently (a more accurate way to say this may be “that disgusted me”). I would get stuck in the space of “I’m not good enough”, and it felt nearly impossible to climb out of. The result was a tornado of anxiety, guilt, and negative self-talk…not to mention a messy closet. Vicious cycles of self-talk are different for everyone. Maybe you notice patterns when you make a mistake at work, question whether you are “smart enough” for the class you are taking, or lose your temper with someone you love. Now, when I have the urge to fall into the trap of negative self-talk I try to catch it early and take action such as repeating an affirmation I that serves me in the moment until I truly believe it (ex: I am worthy, I am loved, I am smart, etc.), or I list what I am grateful for in the exact situation (ex: I have a closet full of clothes, I have a healthy able body, I have the ability to learn and grow in this situation, etc.). No matter how frivolous or hopeless your situation may seem in the moment, it is worth the effort to try and change a thought pattern even if you don’t see results immediately. Simply recognizing the voice of your inner critic is the first step. Implementing positive self-talk doesn’t mean the negative thoughts will stop all together but it does help us take those insecurities and turn them into love and gratitude. Eventually you will find it also starts to work outside of yourself and are able to recognize infinite beauty and light in those around you as well.
- Never put your happiness or worthiness in someone else’s hands. That is too much responsibility to ask of anyone and they will always fail. If you don’t place expectations on anyone else to make you happy or to make you feel worthy, you have the freedom to enjoy life and genuinely appreciate the experiences and people that come into your life. You already have everything you need inside of yourself. I feel like for so long I lived a double life of wanting to express myself and follow my heart but I was too busy trying to please my family, significant others, friends, or society in general. In some ways I still feel stuck in this duality, and I believe that’s true for all of us. Personally, I don’t want to need validation from anyone, but to be able to appreciate everything others have to encourage, inspire and teach me. I want to be so full of self-love that I don’t need approval from others, including my family, friends, and partner.
- Self Care and Community Care. As mentioned above, self-care is a “buzzer word” for many these days. We are at a point in society where we are constantly immersed in fear, division, opposing views, and a vast amount of information regarding what really matters in our lives and in our world. The self-care popularity wave may be partially a result of this fear – ex: “I am terrified of what is going on in my world and overwhelmed by the immensity of it. Maybe if I do a lot of things labeled self-care i’ll be able to save myself from it all!”. Perhaps we need to be brutally honest with ourselves and those around us when evaluating how we spend our time and energy. I could make a list of 500 things right now considered “self-care” and while that may temporarily inspire someone (not to mention be really fun to write) it is not what our collective consciousness needs more of right now. The next time you go to do something in the name of self-care, whether that be taking a bubble bath, going for a run, seeing a close friend, etc…instead of doing it only for yourself, I invite you to send that caring, loving, energy to someone or a group of someones in the world you know need it. For example, “I am truly, deeply, grateful for this – bath/friendship/ability to go to work – because there are so many humans just like me in the world who don’t have this luxury.” or “I am going to stick it out till the end of my workout not for myself, but for people who are in prison right now, or separated from their families right now, or suffering from ___ right now.” Being overly focused on ourselves, even if it comes in the form of negative self-talk, not only disconnects us from our own loving potential but also from our potential to connect with others. That being said, it also helps to remember that we are all one. No matter what you are feeling or going through, there are many others in the past, present, and future who have felt the same, even if you can’t necessarily see it. We are all experiencing what it means to be human and it is powerful to remember we are never alone.
Written January 2019