We often believe that there is a “right” and a “wrong” way to do things. Through conditioning of experience, society, school, church, family systems, etc. we are presented with examples of people doing what we plan to do at some point (or complete lack there of) and we form our own ideas about how things should and shouldn’t be done. There is the ongoing joke of “milk or cereal first” but it ranges to larger scale examples such as going to college or not, or timing/occurrence of marriage or children. We are finally beginning to break free of some of this conditioning and becoming more aquarian in our thinking. We are beginning to recognize that there is more than one right path and no one path is for everyone. Yet even if we are choosing a non-traditional path, we seem to continue to carry the burden of feeling we have to wait till the moment is “right” or do things in a certain order. Of course, some preparation, research, and having a plan can save some trouble later or make us feel more confident going into something, but is knowing every detail and every step of the plan really necessary? In fact, is it even possible? Life is ever changing. We have no idea what is going to happen five minutes from now, let alone five months or years.
I am someone who really enjoys having a sense of control. If you know me well, you have probably seen my massive and meticulous to-do lists. I tend to think of everything before I do anything, even to a fault. Of course, I am human so I still forget things, fall short or realize in hindsight I should have done this or that different. I am not *the most* spontaneous, and I feel safer knowing what is to come. For things like making plans with friends, I want to know the weather beforehand, what I am wearing, where we are going, who is going to be there, and for how long. Then until I am there in the moment, I experience some anxiety and overthinking. Good ‘ole social anxiety to go with me normal every day anxiety.
As a daily to-do list maker, I used to not be able to relax until my to-do list was done. My social work job helped me come to terms with the fact my my to-do list is literally never ending. When I began that job I strived to finish everything on my list every single day. As my caseload and responsibilities grew, I spent many nights staying up till three AM, and skipping out on time with loved ones just to devote more time to my already-full-time job. I had just moved cross-country to a beachfront town, and should have been more intentional about enjoying that aspect of my life, but it was during a crumbling relationship and global pandemic so clinging to some sense of normalcy and productivity felt like clinging to a lifesaver in a stormy sea, like I was somehow saving myself.
As a mother now, and especially as a single mother, I could spend every second of every day just doing things with and for my kiddo. Obviously, between working full time, teaching yoga, pursuing creative endeavors, maintaining a social life and taking care of my body, spirit, and mind, I struggle to do as much as I would like with my kiddo on a daily basis. Even though he is with me practically 24/7 365 I still don’t feel I spend enough quality time with him.
As a human who is striving to be conscious, thrive, and enjoy the experience as much as possible, I could again fill every moment of every day only with things that I feel are “self-love” or “self-improvement”. Reading, moving, time in nature, time connecting with friends, performing acts of service for others, cooking, gardening, taking baths, getting to know my body, journaling, meditating, podcasts…the list could go on for, well, probably ever. While these things are all lovely and important, it is impossible to do it all, all the time.
“You can do anything, but not everything.”
– David Allen
So yes, many of us feel we are multifaceted and doing a variety of things. So how do we decide the right way to go about it or what to do first?
The reality is priorities change day to day. Every day can and should look different. No matter how much you appreciate and thrive on routine (I know I do) , it is important to realize you can not do everything every day. If you try to, it’s impossible to be present in each moment or enjoy it. It is also not realistic if you have many goals and life events happening simultaneously, to think that you can do everything, every day, and do it all well.
Here’s what has helped me:
- Pick your top 3-5 things you want to get done each day, and do those first. Don’t worry about anything that comes next.
- For the things that aren’t recurring, or that you want to remember to do at some point but aren’t crucial to now, create a running list: one big list per week (or month) you can add to. That way when you have time you can devote it to those things.
- If you have a goal that feels too big and overwhelming and you don’t know what to start, start with something that you can do now, today, or in the next five minutes. Then figure out the next step after that. One thing at a time. (Easier said than done, I know.)
- If it is something meant for you, it will not miss you. Trust the process, trust that just because today felt one way doesn’t mean tomorrow will.
I have done a few scary things in my life. Having a baby, moving across the country, beginning and ending multiple long term relationships, doing a yoga teacher training, getting a new job, running a half marathon, letting go of fears and limiting beliefs…getting my nipple pierced! All of these things felt big or scary or hard in their own way but each helped shape me into who I am, and brought me the highlights of my life. Without the hard, there would be no beauty or ease. Without the dark, there is no light. Without pain, there is no joy. Without frustration or overwhelm, there is often no satisfaction, or not in the same way. I am re-learning that there doesn’t have to be struggle for good things to come, but that they both have purpose to find and create within their existence.
If I had waited till I felt ready to do any of these scary things, they wouldn’t have ever happened. Did I prepare and plan every detail I could? Hell yes, lol. Did I feel ready going into each situation? Hell no.
With all of the examples I gave, and most other examples you can think of, the people around us will also have something to say. You can’t make everyone happy. In fact you can’t make anyone else happy. So focus on what you are called to do and do that.
“It’s better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing, than a long life spent in a miserable way.”
– Alan Watts
Feel free to research, prep and plan, and do things in an order but don’t stress to much about what order or doing it like anyone else. Perhaps don’t even prioritize feeling ready. Every single person has a different experience so lean into that and make it your own.
If you procrastinate too long, or overthink, or stop making moves due to overwhelm or fear, you will become stagnant. So keep going. Not careless, but trusting.
Of course, this is going to happen to everyone at some point because again, we are human and the unexpected happens, life happens, and things change. Do not become rigid in your plans or force yourself to continue if you feel it isn’t coming from the right place. It is okay to change your mind. Yet another part of “there is no right way to do things”. Sometimes you start a project and decide halfway through it is no longer for you and that is okay too. While often it’s important to finish, to push through, etc., only you know if it is in alignment for you. Knowing when to let go is just as important as starting. Half-finished projects are valid too. If you find yourself being critical, take time to zoom out and reflect on that “half-done” accomplishment. Did you grow? Did you meet someone? Did you learn something? Did you try something you’d always wanted to try and just realize it wasn’t for you? Did it inspire you to start a different, new project? Did it teach you to learn to let go? If so, there is still value in what you did do. Let it go and free yourself up for the next thing that is in alignment. Don’t consciously waste a second of your precious life on anything else.
When it comes to the bigger scarier things, it may help to give yourself a deadline. Sometimes a deadline is set for you…think having a baby or starting a new job. Sometimes you need to set a deadline for yourself. Sign up for the half marathon. Write the first chapter of your book. Decide to do it and then do it. Who cares if it is perfect or done the right way the first time through? No matter what, you will be closer than you were before.
“Perfect is the enemy of good.”
– Voltaire
Please accept your call to action. Whether you are a list maker or a goal setter or not, decide now what the next step is for you. You don’t even have to know the one that comes after that. Feel free to ask others for advice, or look for examples, or do your research, but at the end of the day only you can decide, and you alone can take the next step. Maybe you already even know what it is. Give up all hope of controlling the outcome, or of doing it “the right way” and just do the thing. Pick your priorities, give yourself a deadline (if it serves you), and do a next step. You will be SO glad you did.