Full disclosure, judgment is what I fear most in creating Eclectic Purpose. I am finally over the fear of “wasting time” with it because I know that it’s something I must create whether or not anyone else cares. I have been holding on to immense amounts of judgment around it. Fear based thinking? Absolutely. Imposter syndrome? 100%. Am I letting it stop me any longer? Hell no. I know I’m going to make mistakes, make some grammatical errors, repeat myself, and probably even embarrass myself along the way. I know I am not an expert (yet) and that Eclectic Purpose is far from where I’d like it to be, and I am letting that be okay. Who the fuck cares if it’s not perfect?! And if your panties are in a bunch about me saying fuck just now then check yo’ self because this is a judgment free zone. If you don’t like who I am or what I am sharing, I invite you to leave, and wish you all the peace and love. I am sharing now whether I judge myself or not, whether it is scary or not. I may never feel ready so all that’s left is to know I am ready. I release judgment. The time is now.
NOW that has been said, enjoy this writing on more generalized, applicable judgment.
On Judgment
Between cancel culture, social media, and internalized generational and personal guilt and shame, we are swamped in judgment from every angle. There is very little we can do that someone wouldn’t judge us for. Often the person who judges us the most is ourselves. My inner critic is the most judgmental person in my life, and that’s saying something.
While I have worked to intentionally release my judgment towards myself and others, I still find myself being judgmental at times. I’m human, so while I can work to decrease it, it is very unlikely that I eliminate it completely. I now often can at least catch judgmental thoughts when I have them, and notice them, then try to reframe the thought or release the judgment. This is easier to do towards others for me than towards myself. For example, if I think “Woah that person is so rude.” I can consider that I only have had a handful of interactions with them, or what may have happened to them in their life to make them react in such a way, or perhaps they literally don’t know they are being rude or didn’t mean it in that way at all, and I am projecting. Toward myself though, if I think “Wow, I was just so rude to that person!”, my inner voices go HAM. In comes a string of thoughts… Should I apologize? I can’t believe I said that! I should have said this instead. Where did that even come from? What was I thinking? What if they never forgive me? It often takes at least a few minutes before I can recognize that I often didn’t mean it in a rude way, often the other person didn’t even take it in a rude way, and if they did it isn’t the end of the world. It’s important to be conscious of how our actions affect others, but we need to give ourselves just as much grace as we give others, usually more even because we have to live with ourselves and the stories we tell ourself shape our reality. Personally just as I feel forgiving others is much easier than forgiving myself, I feel the opposite is true for judgment. It is much easier for me to judge myself harshly than to judge others, even if they harm me.
Often what we are judging, and others, is exactly what we are judging the most in ourselves. I grew up being taught to judge others that were anything “other” than our exact family. I witness intense amount of judgments passed on everyone around us, and myself, and my immediate family members. I watched a lot of manipulation and posing as one thing in fear of being seen and recognized for what was really going on. I still notice parts of this in myself today. I also grew up as a part of a church that claims to have its arms and doors open to everyone, yet judges the vast majority of people that aren’t straight, white, well-off, and financially well-off.
Then as a young adult, I judged the other way. I would judge people who were too deeply engrossed in religious practices, or too much of a goody-two-shoes, or who had families who seemed to perfect or who were financially wealthy. Now I recognize that everyone is on their own path. What is right for some is not necessarily right for others. What is right for me isn’t necessarily right for you.
The only thing I truly feel justified in judging now, is those who openly and cruelly judge others, and feel entitled to do so with seemingly no remorse. Even then, I can recognize that those people are often deflecting from what they don’t want to be judged about themselves.
When I see others make mistakes or when I see people making decisions that are fueled by hate or fear, I can’t help but snap judge them. Little do I forget that I have been in a similar place before, and probably will be again, although maybe on a different scale or in a different situation.
If I trust that I am a child of the universe and that I am on my own journey, then I must trust that that every single other person is too. Every single other person. Even if people are doing horrible things, while I can do everything in my power to vote, do my part, lead with love, make conscious decisions, and do better once I know better, judging them, and sending hateful energy back towards those people doesn’t help anything. It only fuels the darkness.
In our society right now it feels like everyone is talking and judging and no one is listening. Everyone seems to think that they are right and the other is wrong. Where can we release judgment, come together, and see commonalities? Only when we release judgment and remember that we are all one and all deserve peace and love, and consciously collectively move towards a middle ground, can there truly be a decrease in suffering.
People who do terrible things often had terrible things done to them. This is of course not an excuse. Hurt people hurt people, but not all hurt people hurt people. That doesn’t mean that we need to allow poor behavior, condone it, ignore it, or participate in it, but it could help us understand and release that non-helpful, judgment, part of the way we feel when people do things or say things that we view as wrong.
Of course it doesn’t have to be some big terrible thing we are judging others on. We often judge those we are closest to like our friends or family. Maybe we judge others when we feel like they’re wasting their time or money, when we don’t understand what they’re doing or why, or when their views are drastically or even mildly different than our own. Perhaps instead of condemning others or perpetuating the separation, we can allow ourselves to simply observe. I recently heard someone secondhand speaking about listening for the commonalities you have with someone rather than differences, particularly if it is someone you often disagree with. How can we invite exploration and curious it’s into our thoughts and feelings when we notice judgment there?
How do we react when we feel judged by others? This is something I am still learning and struggling with. As a recovering chronic people pleaser and over explainer, my gut instinct is to over-explain myself, or, to start judging myself right along with them. Now, of course we can look for truth in what their saying, but when we are truly rooted in ourselves, and walking the conscious path, we have earned the right to walk our own path. We must take responsibility and be open to change, but if you are working to be in alignment with your highest self, you are the only person whose expectations you need to live up to. Even then, be gentle with yourself.
When we feel judged by others, we can choose how we and if we react to this judgment. In some cases, we can ignore it or do nothing, not even giving it space in our energetic field. What happens though when it is someone we look up to, care about, or interact with on a regular basis? I personally do not often choose to interact with people who I feel judged by. My close friends and circle support me. They may call me out on my bullshit and not sugar coat things, but at the end of the day I know they support and love me, all of me. I am very grateful to have this chosen community. There are a few people who are still part of my life who I have been incredibly judged by, but I have energetic, physical, and in some cases verbal boundaries with them. Then there are a few of the “in between”, people who are in my life for a reason and who stay in my life for various reasons, and who I want to be in my life, that I still sometimes am on the receiving end of judgment from. Often all I need to do in these situations is recognize that their judgment of me is a direct reflection of where they are judging themselves, and I can either let it go or address it if needed. I won’t dive too deeply into boundaries here, but boundaries are certainly crucial in these sort of relationships, as most of you are aware.
It may be helpful for us to identify our triggers or events that transpired in our childhood or past that lead us to these judgmental beliefs. It’s so easy to judge our parents because we often blame them. We start recognizing trauma, abuse, neglect or unhealthy patterns that shaped our childhood and we get angry. While that anger is valid and should be felt (feel it to heal it!) this energy should not be directly channeled into blame. Sometimes it means things need to be said, or written, or processed, but blame is not the answer. Our anger is ours to deal with regardless of how it came to be ours. When we blame and judge others, we give our own power away and in turn give away the power we have to facilitate our own healing. When we stop blaming our parents for everything and realize that the responsibility is on us to choose how we show up in the world, it finally allows us to start taking the steps to heal. This does not mean that what your parents did or didn’t do doesn’t matter or is right or didn’t shape you, but it does allow you to step into your power, ultimately leading to transformation, peace, and joy.
So the work is here: Recognizing that much of the judgment we feel towards other people is a direct reflection of the judgment we have towards ourselves. The parts we, for whatever reason, are not accepting. In the same way, when we feel judged by other people the first step must be inquiring “How am I judging myself?” , because if we weren’t already judging ourself, we wouldn’t feel their judgment as harshly. It’s important to acknowledge to other people when we feel judged by them in order to be heard and to highlight this sticky, uncomfortable topic that there may be something sticky around. If you are in the right company, and you verbalize this to the other person in a clear, not overly emotional way, then they will hear you and a clearing could be had, or a boundary set if needed. I am no expert at doing this. When we actively work to take those thoughts of judgment (from ourselves or others), to catch them, only then can we use their energy for productivity and eventually, love. We may never truly cease to be judgmental all together, but we can work towards turning those thoughts around instead of just letting the ego take it and run.
While writing this piece, I realized that in my morning meditation a few days ago I had pulled the judgment card and journaled a bit on it. I placed the card above my desk for a few days. (I often do this when I want a daily reminder of what I am practicing, then I place the card back in the deck. I don’t know if this is “best practice” but it’s what I do.) Honestly at this moment I can’t remember what I journaled on when I pulled it, but inspired by this piece, I looked into the meaning on Biddy Tarot a little more. See the full page HERE
“The Judgement card is calling you to rise up and embrace a higher level of consciousness for the service of your Highest Good. You are experiencing a spiritual awakening and realising that you are destined for so much more. This is your cosmic up-levelling! You hear the call and are ready to act. Tune in to a higher frequency. Let go of your old self and step into this newest version of who you really are.
The Judgement card often indicates that you need to make a life-changing decision, but unlike those associated with the logical Justice card, this decision requires a blend of intuition and intellect. You may be at a crossroads, aware that any choice you make will bring a significant change with long-lasting effects. Tune in to your Higher Self, trust your judgement and know you are on the right path. If you still need clarity on the situation, look to your past and life lessons to guide you.
Judgement pops up in a Tarot reading when you are close to reaching a significant stage in your journey. You have reviewed and evaluated your past experiences and have learned from them. All the pieces of the puzzle of your life are finally coming together to form one, unified picture of your life story. This integration has healed deep wounds, and you are now able to put the past behind you. You have found your absolution, having cleared any wrongdoings or regrets, and releasing any guilt or sadness about the past. This purging process will leave you refreshed and ready to take on any new challenges.
The Judgement card suggests that you may find comfort in sharing your struggles with others within a group environment. There will be others who have experienced something similar and who can show you the way to freedom from your troubles. Let them guide you and help you – rise together.”
– Biddy Tarot
What a beautiful way to look at judgment as a concept. Just a reminder that judging does not always mean thinking negatively or poorly about yourself, others, or a situation.
If fueled by love, and led by your higher self, judgment can be a resource and facilitator of choosing the next right step, using the lessons you have learned, and taking initiative in your life.
I strive to have more of this type of judgement in my life now than ever before. Judgment is one of my new words of the year for 2023, and I have learned so much more about it already.
P.S. – ON SPELLING JUDGMENT: When writing this, I began with the spelling “judgement”. Auto-correct kept telling me to fix it so I changed most of it to “judgment”. I then realized that my tarot card and elsewhere also spelled it “judgement”. According to Scribbr “The spelling varies based on whether you’re writing UK or US English. In US English, “judgment” (no “e”) is the only correct spelling. In UK English, “judgement” (with an “e”) is standard, but “judgment” is used in legal contexts”. Who knew?!