“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
– John Steinbeck
Today is about forgiving ourselves.
As we strive to live a conscious life, we inevitably learn to some degree how important it is to forgive, and find grace in our hearts for those who hurt us. We know that holding onto a grudge or anger towards someone does more damage to the person refusing to forgive than anyone else.
While it is challenging, with time, we can fully forgive others even if that means continuing to hold strong boundaries or even that we never interact with the other party again. Each situation is different so forgiveness can and will look different every time it happens. We know this.
We can’t force others to forgive us. We can ask forgiveness, we can apologize, we can change our behavior, but we can never truly make someone else forgive us. We can only control our part in the matter, show up the best we can in each moment, and learn to move on from the situation with or without their forgiveness or consent. We know this to be true, as hard a pill as it can be to swallow.
We are aware of these aspects of forgiveness but we completely neglect the part that MUST come before either one of the above. First, we must forgive ourselves.
Without self-forgiveness, there can not be a true knowing of self worth. Yet it is a double edged sword because we also must first believe we are worthy of our own forgiveness.
That doesn’t mean that we go around doing wrong and moving on immediately. Feelings of shame, remorse, guilt, and embarrassment are powerful tools for our self-development that can and should be felt. There are NO BAD EMOTIONS.
All emotions arise as teachers for us and serve a purpose, and as uncomfortable as it may be, these emotions are healthy as well. We are human and we are going to make mistakes and sometimes we are going to make poor choices that hurt us or someone else. That is just a fact of life.
The problem comes when we: 1) React to these misdoings from a defensive standpoint, arguing why they were right when we know the truth is not so simple; or 2) Feel that the incident was a point of no return for us; that we will never be worthy of forgiveness for it from ourselves or anyone else. 3) Accept that “That’s just the way I am” and lean into it, hurting more and more people and yourself along the way.
Yes, you may lose something external in the process but that is not more important than being right with your own soul. Just as when we are working to forgive someone else, it may take immense levels of processing, understanding, and time.
In my experience, I can (at least to a degree) try to understand most other people’s behavior, no matter how messed up it is. I understand that everyone has their trauma and people don’t just go around doing hurtful things for no reason; it comes from a place of pain/unmet needs/disconnection from spirit. I know that this never JUSTIFIES horrible behavior and does not make it right, but I can at least acknowledge that they would not be doing those things if they were happy, fulfilled, and self-actualized. What I struggle with though, is applying this concept to forgiving myself.
It is often much more challenging to fully forgive ourselves than to forgive someone else.
Certain people I have encountered, when confronted with the way they have hurt others or where behavior needs to be changed, will jump to statements such as: “Well I am just the world’s worst mother/father then!” or “That’s right, i’m just the bad guy! Just the villain! Leave me!” and then expect the other party to comfort them or argue for why the statement they just made isn’t true. Perhaps they really are in so much pain that they believe the statement, if only in the moment.
At first glance, this may look as though they are punishing themselves or truly feeling remorse over their behavior, but in fact it is a manipulation tactic and is a narcissistic, self-centered response, regardless of if they are aware of it or not.
We must also be careful we aren’t doing this to ourselves. Instead of having the self-centered response of “Well I guess I am just a horrible ___!”, perpetuating the idea and therefore the poor behavior, it is much more beneficial to take steps towards learning from the situation, and eventually forgiving yourself.
- Acknowledge the wrong doing where you can. Sometimes apologizing is more for the person giving the apology than the person who was hurt, so please be mindful of this and do not force interactions or apologies that would cause further damage – if nothing else you can always write a letter apologizing to the person and then decide whether or not to reach out in the future.
- Spend quality time trying to understand why it happened (but don’t get too hung up on this).
- Know (think through) what you will do differently next time if a situation like this arises (or what is in your control to avoid it happening again).
- Spend time honoring your own emotions around it and allow others space and time to process theirs as well (which does not mean that you need to be the emotional punching bag for it for all of eternity).
- Then with time, forgive yourself.
Remember: Holding on to guilt and shame does not serve you or anyone else. In fact, it blocks you from doing the good you are here on earth to do.
I say all of this but honestly, I have a long way to go with forgiving myself. I am acknowledging it, working towards forgiveness, and actively trying to be the best me possible.
Action Item:
- What is something (or a few things) that you have not yet forgiven yourself for?
- Take it one item at a time and ask yourself:
- Have I apologized to anyone who would benefit from an apology from me?
- Have I spent time trying to understand what went wrong or why this happened? (It’s OK if there is no clear answer.)
- Do I know what I will do differently next time this happens or to prevent it from happening again?
- What are the emotions that arise around this? Have I suppressed them or let them be fully emoted?
- What is stopping me from forgiving myself?
- Do I feel comfortable releasing this burden on myself?
- If no, that’s alright. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself all the space and time you need. However, make sure this weight doesn’t get lost in the depths of your soul and feed the voices of darkness that try to tell you you aren’t worthy. Continue to return to this until it is fully processed and you can release it from your system for good.
- If yes, you may consider voicenoting or writing in a journal “I forgive myself for ___. I release the shame and guilt that continue to weigh me down in order to show up in the world from a place of true self worth.”
Remember that standing in your worth allows others to do the same, and it is NOT selfish to believe, in the deepest core of your being, that YOU are worthy of forgiveness.
SUPER QUICK AWESOME Resource: EFT Tapping – Tap with Brad Guilt/Shame
Resource: The Gift of Forgiveness: Inspiring Stories from Those Who Have Overcome the Unforgivable Shop local or used if you can but see above for the Amazon link to this eye-opening read. (: