“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
– Brene Brown
Today we talk about vulnerability. These are lessons that I have learned from a variety of avenues, the main one being “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown (linked below).
The invitation is to be brave enough to look at your shadow, at the hard parts of life, the things we shove down and hide from ourselves and the world around us.
Most of us are pros at beating ourselves up for these dark parts of who we are, yet we aren’t brave enough to let them see the light of day long enough to work through them.
Vulnerability is too often seen as weakness, when in actuality it is our greatest strength.
Vulnerability might mean admitting that you were wrong, opening yourself up to receive help or love, forgiving someone who has hurt you, or being willing to try something new and look silly. It might mean admitting that you aren’t perfect, or made a mistake, and being brave enough to take steps toward reparation.
Sometimes the most vulnerable thing we can do is show up, and sometimes the most vulnerable thing is to walk away.
Have you ever had a “vulnerability hangover”? Overthinking or feeling like you overshared or over exposed yourself so much that you have a yucky feeling inside? Yeah, me too. Vulnerability isn’t easy, but if we tune into our intuition, we know when being vulnerable is for the greatest and highest good.
Something I am still learning, and I think is being somewhat channeled through this blog is, the only way to make your shame “go away” is to verbalize it or share it. That doesn’t mean you have to share every detail with the whole world, but it does mean not keeping it locked inside, never thought or spoken about.
When we are afraid of our shame, we give it power over our lives and take away the power from ourselves.
Brene taught me that going to where my shame is, looking at the sources of my shame, and then sharing my experience with them, is the key to taking back my own worth and power. There are so many aspects of myself and my life that I have kept hidden (at least to an extent) for a very long time and I am so ready to put down that burden and not let them have any control over my feelings of worth.
As a parent, I am trying to practice modeling vulnerability for my son while he is a baby, so it will be a habit as he grows. I try to apologize if I don’t use my kindest voice with him. I allow him to see that I can cry, be angry, and have other big emotions and still be a safe person for him. Brene talks in the book about how children can only learn to manage and express their emotions to the extent that we as their adults do, so we absolutely must be role models for them in expressing the entire range of emotions in healthy ways.
Numb your darkness and you numb your light. I have written on this topic in different ways before but it can be summarized as this: we can only meet and express our light as much as we meet and express our darkness. If you shove down and lock away one, you do the other as well. The extent to which we feel our “uncomfortable” emotions is the extent to which we feel those emotions that make life feel worth living.
A few more notes:
- We often see the world as divided into victims and perpetrators. When we see the world in this way, we are tempted to see ourselves in any given situation as one of these roles. Usually no one wants to claim the role of perpetrator, so everyone is running around playing the victim. However, this is not the case. I would say we are all both but the truth is we are all neither, unless we choose that role. No, abuse is not okay. At the end of the day though, it is up to us to step out of the role of victim, reclaim our power and realize that we have a say in our life no matter WHAT.
- We choose our attitude. We choose the stories and narratives we tell ourselves. We choose what will affect us for the rest of our lives. We all have been perpetrators before. We all have been victims. We have the ability to be both at the same time or neither. We all have the opportunity to rewrite our life story at any time. You are WORTHY of being the hero in your own story. You ARE the main character in your own story (and a side character in a story of everyone around you). Stop playing the victim and begin to stand in your worth.
You are worthy of vulnerability. You are worthy of being free of your shame. You are worthy of meeting your darkness. Your shadow self is equally as worthy as your highest self. There is no part of you that is unworthy.
Ask Yourself:
- What are the greatest sources of my shame?
- How can I intentionally work through my shame/talk through it with a trusted person? In what way can I share this story in order to release the shame built up around it?
Action Item:
Today, our action step is to work towards releasing this shame. If you are not ready to talk to another person about these things, maybe you talk out loud to yourself, or again voicenote or journal. Maybe it just means answering the prompts above and being oh so patient and gentle and kind to yourself in the process.
***Of course, if at any time you feel overwhelming emotions that you feel you have the inability to process, or have thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else, please STOP and seek professional help immediately.***
Resource: Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
There are also a ton of shadow work journals out there and To Be Magnetic has an entire workshop on “Unblocked Shadow”.