I have to honestly say I have never been more in the present moment than I am right now. I still worry about the past, about the future, about the present, but I am able to put it in the background at times…I have the luxury of muting it. I have my moments of mourning what is happening, what has happened, while also being so safe, so held right where I am. I am grateful.
Although it makes me cringe a bit to say it (why?) I am in my soft girl era. I make superfood coffees instead of drinking it black in the morning. I read fantasy. I don’t set an alarm in the morning often because my alarm is a sweet (almost three) year old boy and an (almost elderly) cat. They both need to be fed right away, and both want to be first down the stairs, and both seem to want to be right under my feet at all times.
I have finally, for the first time in a decade, slowed down enough to remember things, to feel all that I have been suppressing because I was so very busy, doing everything and nothing. As I sit with memories (the “good” – the “bad” – but mostly the neutral and mundane), I know I am finally processing, digesting them so they can be neatly stored for me or perhaps let go of, so I have space to make new ones.
This process is not a quick one, as I often like things to be. I have to wait for these memories to come to me, to surface enough to consider them, however minute they might seem, and then to feel I have gleaned everything I will from them, and put them where they ought to go. Perhaps bidding some of them farewell forever? Will I ever think of that exact moment again? I am not particularly attached to most of them, so I suppose it doesn’t matter either way.
At the risk of being cheesy, I must again express that I am so deeply grateful for this period of single motherhood, with all of the difficulties, challenges, and hardships that have come alongside it as well. If I wasn’t still in this moment, I would not be doing this deep cleaning as I am. I would not be spending so much 1:1 time with the love of my life, my son. I would not feed him each meal and 287 snacks each day (at least 4 of which are bananas which must be talked on like a phone every time), snuggle him enough, have inside jokes with him, a secret handshake, and play batman and cars and magnatiles and “Aldi checkout guy”. I would not be quite so proud of working full time and staying with him at home full time. I would not be so dedicated to being single.
I don’t know right now how or why I would ever go back to the stress of dating (haha). I am loving the freedom of what we eat and when, our schedule in all of it’s spontaneity and rigidity, of hairy legs, and of making memories with just my babies – my son and my cat, and I. My sweet family, on our own little island. How precious that I get to experience this. How much of this would I be missing if I was in a relationship right now? What an honor, to get to live this dynamic. Of course, I recognize that with the right one, someday, all of these lovely aspects will remain, in a new and beautiful way, but this dynamic will never be just the same. I feel like a little girl again, dreaming of my perfect partner, how I will feel with them, what we will build together, daydreaming while actively knowing that it’s not quite time for that yet. The sanctity of it feels so romantic.
I have taken a lengthy break from sharing my writing, or writing much at all if I am being honest, outside of a daily journal, but I am remembering it doesn’t need to be perfect or lengthy to share, because it is all for me anyway…for my life. Is that selfish? Perhaps, but we are, remember, each the author of our own story. As much as the world tries to take that away from us, it’s our job to remember that power, and thus take back the pen.
So to future me reading this – YOU are in the right place and time, right now, and you mustn’t waste it. Who cares if it’s “basic” – romanticize yourself – PROUDLY. You get one chance at this life. (: