Originally written as a social media post, but saving it here for historical reasons.
On 2019…
A recap and reflection:
I honestly don’t even know where to begin, there are so many thoughts tangled up in my head…telling my fingers what to type all at once. So I will begin the only way I know how- from the heart.
Disclaimer: I’ve never been open on social media because of the element of trust that it requires. As a society right now we are seeing a wave of popularity in regards to being raw, vulnerable, realistic, and sharing our truths. This collective openness may be part of what gives me the courage to share things I otherwise wouldn’t. The root source of my courage for sharing today can be stated simply: I have no space in my life to try and justify who I am or what my life is at this moment. I am so privileged to have the choices and opportunities that I do and I will not waste them in order to fit into someone else’s box. Everyone ought to be entitled to their own beliefs, opinions, and choices. I have made countless mistakes in my lifetime – big and small. There are even some grammatical errors in this very post but for the sake of sharing from the heart, I leave them be!
As with any small part of a person’s story, this post is only the tip of the iceberg. I hope to continue writing throughout this upcoming year and my life, sharing more in due time.
Also, I just enjoy reflecting each year and seeing all the beautifully unimaginable things that have come to be.
So much has changed and evolved this year. I feel as if I’m a different person now…and I suppose in a lot of ways I am, although at the core my spirit is the same. 2019 brought a lot of chapters to a close while simultaneously launching me into new ones. I’ve been brought (sometimes walked – other times dragged) out of my comfort zone emotionally, physically, spiritually and socially, but there is no true growth without challenge, right? Though entrenched in the mundanities of everyday life, each chapter offers new, thrilling and unique pages to move through. Often we are so caught up in writing the details that we’re too close to see what the larger part is meant to bring to our story.
On “lucky” days there are moments of light that push hard on our shoulders and cause us to take a step back from the drudgery and details…those that remind us to truly live. In these moments we can guess, maybe, what each chapter is teaching us, but we never know for sure. When we finally reach the closing pages of the chapter we are gifted with the ability of hindsight. Only then can we see how every single thing (both what we perceive as “good” and what we deem to be “bad”) helps to mold us into who we are – constantly evolving.
For example, last year I thought (at the time) was all a long, hard lesson in “letting go of control”. I would mention this in heart-to-heart talks with my loved ones over a glass of wine or cup of coffee. “It’s hard, but it’s all a lesson in letting go of control!” I would say, feeling very intuitive and collected. Little did I realize at the time – THAT WAS ALL JUST ME TRYING TO CONTROL HOW MUCH I WAS CONTROLLING THINGS! Haha…oh the irony.
Side note: I do not believe everything happens for a reason. I believe we do, however, have the choice to use everything and each situation as fuel for fulfilling our higher purpose. But seriously, F “everything happens for a reason”. Crappy things and awesome things happen to everyone to different extents. Everyone experiences even similar situations differently, and life on this earth as humans isn’t fair in any way.
Back to the whimsical book analogy…
In the moment we often don’t understand what we’re supposed to be learning from each page. Until we are through that moment of crisis, we must have faith that it all guides us closer to the greatest and highest purpose of our existence.. All part of the experience we are having as spiritual beings living in human bodies.
If you’re still reading you may be asking “So what does this have to do with 2019?”
I feel as though I’m wrapping up several long chapters and starting new ones all in the span of 12 short months! Remember that with all light comes dark, so i’ll outline the highlights and spare you all of the tears, exhaustion, failures, and frustration that comes right along with every “achievement”.
Here’s all the transitions and updates I feel like sharing…
Completed my 200 hour E-RYT training and am now a certified Yoga Instructor! For those of you who know me, you know that teaching yoga has been a dream of mine since I began my journey in 2013. The certification led me to spend hours this year teaching to friends and loved ones, lead seated yoga at retirement home as part of my job at the time, teach a charity class, lead mini-yoga sessions with my current preschoolers throughout the day, and most importantly- deepen my own practice. I also had the privilege of being invited to write an article for Inside Columbia. It’s short and states 5 easily adaptable and widely accessible stress-busting poses. It’s on Inside Columbia’s website and is entitled “Yoga for All”.
Bought a car! I knew the sweet lil old white Honda wasn’t going to make it across the country and back alive. So I am now the proud owner of a 2016 Nissan Versa! It was purchased at an insanely great price thanks to my partner’s negotiating skills at the dealership. It also has manual locks and windows in case we ever get in a flood here in the low country. (; Special thanks to my friends and grandpa for all the tips on preparing and shopping for a new ride!
Moved to Charleston, SC. At the end of July, we packed what we could fit in our two cars and said goodbye to my life long home of COMO, a job I loved, and so many of my favorite people in the universe! This transition also included a two month period of sketchy extended stay hotel/Air BnB living while waiting to earn in-state pay stubs. Now we live in a two bedroom apartment that was built in 1948. It has plenty of character, mold, and palmetto bugs (AKA gimongous cockroaches). I am learning that not having a dishwasher, microwave, or clothes washer/dryer teaches the values of process, initiative, and proactive thinking around the home! Not to mention all the things people don’t tell you about moving to a new state in general. Which is a lot.
I began working at two different jobs (both of which I appreciate immensely). I began teaching preschool 3-4 days a week, and serving at a cute brunch restaurant the other 2-3 days. and have now transitioned to being a full time preschool teacher and childcare provider at a Montessori/Reggio-Emilia based center. It has all been an adventure in exploring the unknown, following intuition, and trusting my own choices.
Ran a half marathon! While having bronchitis! Why? Because a few months prior I had paid and committed when anticipating much more prep time and overall wellness but life happens and I’m grateful for the strength to have stuck it out.
Started seeing a therapist.I am so glad that our society is waking up to the fact that every single person can benefit from going to therapy, regardless of what you’ve lived through. If you are a human or work with humans, you work with trauma. I was semi-recently diagnosed with C-PTSD which encompasses and validates a lot of the mental health issues I have struggled with throughout my childhood and early adulthood. It has affected not only myself but my relationships and those around me. If you want my rookie experience about going to therapy, reach out. If you’ve had a bad experience with a therapist or counselor in the past, you didn’t find the right one yet. I encourage you to give it another shot – you are worth it!
I’ve practiced appreciating my body and how it changes during stressful/transitional times to protect me. I’ve also learned to not worry so much about silly stuff like shaving my legs/armpits (I now do so whenever I feel like it…about once a month or so), getting the first and only massage of my life (it was phenomenal), going to the dermatologist for some real skin advice and…
Switched from an IUD to a fertility tracker. I almost didn’t add this update but it has made an impact on my emotional and physical health. I share because I feel strongly that openly discussing feminine and sexual health, as well as being in tune with our own cycle is so crucial to feeling at home in our bodies and knowing how to care for ourselves. Especially as women. Unfortunately our western medical system is seriously screwed up and mainly favors white males who have health insurance, meaning everyone else is required to do even more of their own research and must realize that they are the ones who know their body best. Since childhood, I have carried a lot of shame around my body, as I know is the case for many others. It is our responsibility as a society to empower each person to make educated choices, and I believe this starts with breaking the stigma around conscious, proactive conversations – most importantly, in schools and in the home.
Spent some serious time intentionally enjoying being by myself. I went to the beach by myself. Walked through the downtown market by myself. Got a cup of coffee by myself. Countless hikes. Yoga in the park. Instead of feeling the need to hide behind my phone or divert my attention I was as present as possible- noticing the sights, smells, sounds, and people around me and appreciated being in the moment. At first it did feel challenging and awkward. Then I realized no one really cares what anyone else is doing because we’re all just focused on ourselves. That being said – we’re all so connected that we’re never truly alone. Life changing y’all.
Got to witness the marriage of two beautiful couples, both of which are stunning examples of true love and life partnership.
Read awesome books including: The Four Agreements, The Bhagavad Gita, Taking the Leap, The Universe has Your Back, Super Attractor, The Great Work of Your Life, To Love and Let Go, Love Warrior, Girl,Wash Your Face, Girl, Stop Apologizing, reread Path of Love and You Are a Badass…plus a few more from the library just for fun.
Listened to approx. a thousand hours (really, that’s an accurate number) worth of podcasts, especially on our moving trips and during workouts: YogaGirl: From the Heart, Almost30, Don’t Keep Your Day Job, Happier with Gretchen Rubin, Optimal Living Daily, and The School of Greatness.
Ate SO MUCH delicious food and celebrated six+ years as a vegetarian! Also, 2019 brought us the Impossible Whopper…just putting that out there.
Got to reconnect with a few darling long lost family members who I lost touch with when I was young. So grateful to have more wonderful people in my life!
Spent so much wonderful time before the move with so many amazing friends and felt completely infused with love from all sides.
Went to dope concerts! Live music is just awesome.
Met some darling new coworkers turned friends and our amazing new neighbors Ms. Shirley, Mr. Eddie, and Crystal! Also about 30 “stray” cats.
Did a lot of shadow work and realized everyone (parents, grandparents, friends, everyone we know) has their own wounded inner child. 2020 is intended to be a year fostering close relationships and working with forgiveness/finding how relationships will work once forgiveness has cleansed.
Massive amounts of healing work including intuitive counseling, full and progressed natal chart reading and interpretation sessions, journaling, Reiki, Theta Cell healing, Kirtan chanting, immense amounts of yoga, pranayamic breathing, meditation/ transcendental meditation, journaling, becoming familiar with tarot and how it reflects your present energy, practicing daily mindfulness and gratitude, being introduced to crystals, learning how to cleanse the energies in our home (be it sage, palo santo, cedar, bergamot, incense, playing different cleansing Hertz, mantras, etc). Many of these things are becoming widely popular right now as we begin to wake up our collective consciousness. Unfortunately they are also misjudged, misused, commercialized, and not seen/honored by the general population as they necessarily should be, in my opinion. If you have any questions or concerns about using any of these methods for healing, opening your third eye, etc. you can feel free to ask me but I can only share my experience, as I am still quite new to most of it and the more I learn the more I realize there is to learn!
Lastly, attempted to embrace the fact we are mostly gift free this holiday season. I made around 50 homemade holiday cards but it’s just not the same as shopping, wrapping, and giving to everyone in person . We will celebrate and hopefully spoil you all ASAP in the future. It’s a very humbling experience considering how holiday time normally is. It’s our first holiday season being away from home and loved ones and it has been challenging. Now just looking forward to 2020 and all that is to come. Get ready ya’ll, the first year of the decade is going to be a doozy!
Written December 27, 2019