“I am loved and have always been loved and will always, always be loved. I have never been separated from this love, I have only convinced myself I was.”
– Glennon Doyle Melton
If you have already spent time delving into therapy or self work, chances are you have already done some “inner child work” or know what that means, at least to an extent. However, it shocks me how many people I still meet who have never heard of inner child work or have never focused on giving their inner child what they need.
Inner child work is multidimensional but is a powerful way to connect how our childhood shapes who we are today, to heal childhood trauma, and to go back and tend to unhealed parts of ourselves so that we can more fully live as adults.
No, we can not go back and change what happened in our past but we CAN rewire and reprogram our minds out of unhealthy loops it continues to run from childhood. No matter how wonderful a childhood you had, we all have these.
What was our reality or what kept us safe as a child or teenager is often not applicable in adulthood or can even be extremely detrimental to our relationships (with ourselves and others) and hold us back from standing in our worth.
It is up to us NOW as adults to reparent our wounded inner child and teenager. Through therapy, journaling, reflection and meditation, we can go back to those wounding moments or chapters of life, consider what we needed at that time, and then show up in that way for ourselves.
It sounds cheesey, cliche, or fake even, but if explored in earnest it is such empowering and healing work. Inner child work can release hidden and suffocated aspects of ourselves in order to integrate them into who we are now, ultimately uncovering layer after layer of healing.
I strongly encourage you to seek professional help and guidance, or research more via podcasts, books, and other online resources, as this is too vast a topic to cover here.
Here are some simple examples of what inner child work might look like:
- Scenario: You made a mistake as a child and accidentally broke your mother’s favorite dish. You were yelled at and sent to your room, left to deal with the feelings of shame and pain on your own. In that moment, you believed that because you broke the dish, you are bad.
- Reparenting the inner child might involve: Picture your grown adult self going back to your little self at that age. Maybe you walk into the room and see little you huddled up on the bed, crying. You go to your little self and hold him/her, letting them cry. You then show yourself this older version of you, where the broken dish ultimately doesn’t matter. You remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and you are still worthy, even though this accident happened. Take Note: perhaps adult you is able to more fully forgive yourself for mistakes and imperfection now too.
- Scenario: You were bullied in school. The bully is saying mean things to you, pulling your hair, and calling you names. You take on the belief that it’s better to stay out of everyone’s way and not be noticed at all if possible, in order to stay safe.
- Healing your inner child in this scenario might involve: Either picturing a strong person in your life (teacher, older friend, another adult you know and trust) or once again, your adult self doing this. They stand up to your bully in a firm but kind way, explaining that they are there to protect you but also empowering you to take actions to protect yourself. You will learn to stand up for yourself either way, but having an adult on your side to keep you safe IS the healthiest situation for a child and little you deserves that. Reprogram this moment and picture the safe, stronger little you on the other side. Perhaps adult you feels safer being seen now too.
- Scenario: Teenage you breaks up with your first true love. This is the first person you dated, were physical with, and pictured marrying someday. Instead of giving you space or room to talk, letting you feel your feelings, and offering comforting suggestions, your parent largely ignores it except with comments about how you should tell everyone it’s mutual so they won’t think poorly of you, and that you shouldn’t be physical with anyone before you’re married. You are left to deal with this first heartbreak on your own.
- Reparenting and healing the inner child in this situation: Come back from the POV of a trustworthy adult (real or imagined) or as your adult self and ask this teenage you what it needs to feel seen and held. Maybe you need to stay home from school for a day. Maybe you need to eat chocolate ice cream and cry with a sappy movie. Maybe you just need someone to hear you out and validate how hard this moment is for you, instead of rushing to tell you there are so many other people out there to date and reminding you how young you are. Whatever you need, picture giving it to yourself and imagine how much more held you feel afterward. If you have recently gone through a breakup or anything similar, perhaps you can apply those same tactics to yourself now.
The list goes on and on. If your memory is spotty or you experienced intense trauma that feels too big to try to think about right now, start with one small moment and go from there. If no specific situations come to mind, perhaps you look at photos of yourself at various ages or think back to what you felt like at that moment in time. If you can’t remember, that’s okay. Either way, send your little self some love.
One fun way to connect with your inner child is to think back to what you loved to do as a kid. Did you like to roller skate? Jump rope? Listen to music and sing at the top of your lungs? Watch The Princess Diaries? Paint or draw? Maybe something comes to mind you haven’t thought about in a long time. Your action item could be doing one of these things you usually tell yourself you don’t have time for or that it’s “just for kids”.
Another way to nourish your inner child is to create an alter to your inner child. Maybe it holds a picture or a few pictures of little you, a stuffie or blanket you have held onto, something with your little kid handwriting on it. You can place crystals, a candle, flowers, whatever you’d like to add, but the idea is to create space in your home your you to honor your young self. An alter is a space that will remind you to send little you love and healing, remembering that you are worthy at every age. Your relationship with yourself and your inner child is sacred. When you start to talk unkindly to yourself, perhaps you look at the photo of three year old you and realize that’s who you’re being mean to.
A lot of times when we become angry or upset or our central nervous system is activated, our grown up brain turns off and we begin to act from the place of our wounded inner child with unmet needs. Two people could be having an argument as grownups, yet it is really their inner children kicking each other under the table. When we begin to do this work, it actually allows us to heal those wounded child parts of ourselves and show up as whole, integrated adults.
“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.”
– Cashmere Cat
If you have a child in your home or life, connecting with them and seeing the world through their eyes is an incredible way to connect to your inner child as well. You may be able to remember more fully what you felt like at that age, or see yourself in their little being. Play with a sweet kiddo for just five minutes and pay attention to what happens in your body.
So much of our development happens before we are 7 years old, 14 if we are being generous, and the way we view and interact with the world stems largely from this place. With time, introspection, and other tools for inner work such as therapy, new information, and reparenting, we can begin to finally reframe the way our minds work, how we see the world, and therefore how our lives present to us and unfold.
Action Item:
- Do a step or a few steps towards inner child work! This could be as simple as playing hopscotch or it could be a more complex step such as creating an alter, signing up for therapy, or journaling/meditating on what inner little you needs.
I have very recently researched more about Internal Family Systems (IFS) and have briefly touched on parts work. I am not qualified or experienced enough to speak on this here, but I strongly encourage you to check it out if you are unfamiliar as well. It is another tool for nurturing your inner child.
Resource: The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
Resource: Cultivate your social media feed to follow people such as The Holistic Psychologist and more.