In rare moments of what I can only assume to be pure clarity, I catch glimpses of my higher self. I have seen her reflection staring back at me, twice at least. More often though, I have a moment where I see something or someone that has a trait or two of what I know, deeply is meant for me as well.
I have dipped my toe into cycle syncing, living perpetually alcohol free, and daily writing (with intent to share) yet these are all things I have yet to fully commit to. There are many reasons for this, and all I know is that this is the direction I am headed. It’s not perfect, it’s not all going to happen at once. Yet every day that I consciously move towards those aspects of my higher self, I am fulfilled.
I acknowledge that everything single moment that has happened in my life up to this point was/is here to shape me. While they may not all be “my fault”, they all have had their place in teaching me. These moments guide me away from what is not meant for me, and towards the moments, people, and situations that are.
I am trying to be brave. Yet even with the best of intentions, letting go of old versions can be so very painful. It’s often scary to lose someone or something that we love…even if the person or thing is snuffing out our light on a daily basis.
It helps to remember that the highest path, the one of divine love, has our back. The highest path will always be the right one…in the end, yes, but now too.
I write this with a sleeping baby, latched to me, nursing. Do I still get to call him a baby even though he is almost two years old? While I am tired, I know that these moments with him are fleeting. I only have one chance to act in accordance with my higher self while Kai is a baby, and that matters to me, a lot.
I recently had a sweet friend stay with me, and we spent most of the time the first day she was here in our own element. I let him have treats and watch Miss Rachel. She pointed out, in response to my mom guilt, that taking time for myself and my friendships, especially as a single mom, is also important for both him and I. The guilt stays.
Our whole life could be viewed in a similar way – it’s important to experiment and make mistakes and feel the darkness so you can truly know how good the light feels.
I will now take a moment and just dream about my higher self “out loud”. I will save the specifics for my loved ones and journal but let’s just consider how my higher self, future self, and present, hopeful, malleable self exists.
She feels clear, and free. She is present in every moment, as present as a human can be, and this allows her to feel fulfilled and expansive. She feels the full range of emotions, to their deepest extent, and is unafraid to do so. She moves, eats, drinks, breathes, and loves with respect for her body and for those around her. She is immersed in nature, conscious and aware of her part in it. She is a loving mother, sister, partner, and friend, but she is her own person first.
The details of the above is what I voice note to myself. (If you’re not talking to yourself what are you even doing?) On days where I feel lost or disconnected, in any form, visualizing my true essence is what inspires and grounds me. It wakes me up from the fog of the human experience and lights the fire under my booty to get on with the mission, to further the plot.
If you have trouble finding clarity around who your highest self is, follow what lights you up. If you don’t know what that is, ask and then listen. If nothing comes right away, try something new. Try a few new things.
The quickest way I have found is to find a quiet spot in nature and place your feet on the earth. Tune in to your breath and your own heartbeat, and just hold space for gratitude. Do just that and at some point, your highest self will show themselves, in whatever form she chooses.