An offering of unpacking…
Just as when unpacking boxes in an old attic, things like this can feel tender, bringing up old emotions and memories. They can invite laughter or embarrassment, thinking about the person we used to be. Old items can feel painful, or raw, reminding us of old wounds that haven’t been opened in a long time. Unpacking can feel nostalgic. Perhaps it feels that the ways we have changed over time are suddenly right there in front of us, making time feel very real.
In this writing, I want to unpack some thoughts on spirituality and be deeply honest. I ask that you please read with an open heart and mind.
As I begin to become more in touch with the spiritual side of myself through deepening my connection with the divine, I plan to share as much as I feel will help others on their path. I am honestly nervous to even share this at all because I know plenty of people in my life will judge what I am sharing. I know that certain people reading this, particularly several people who were in my life throughout childhood, may feel that I am “disconnected from God” or “not listening to the Holy Spirit” but truly, I feel more of a personal connection and true daily devotion to spirit/God/the universe than ever before. I feel more of a connection to Mother Earth, to my higher self, and to the angels and spirit guides who are on my team than I ever have. I plan to continue strengthening my communication with them throughout the entirety of my human existence.
I know this writing may be triggering not only for the people who believe that only their religion is the right way, but also for those who have been so religiously traumatized that even the word “God” or talking about spirituality in general can be triggering. I have been a part of both frames of mind at different moments in the past and I know many who, like me, fall somewhere in the middle, still exploring. So it is time for me to stop being afraid of the “consequences” and repercussions and simply share my journey. I’m not asking you to believe or not believe what I do because our relationships: the relationship we have with our higher self, and the relationship with divine energy, is so deeply personal. Everyone must come to their own conclusions in their own time. Not everyone is ready or wants to dive deep, and not everyone “dives deep” in the same way, and that is neither good nor bad. It just is. I believe we are all microcosms of the universe experiencing itself. (Which can be discussed more later.)
I have decided to invite more witchiness into my life. I have practiced meditation, intention setting, tarot pulling, and intuiting for years. I am slowly learning more about the healing power of crystals, plants, and the moon. I have become increasingly more in tune with my physical body, and now ovulate regularly around the time of the full moon (which of course can change). I make an effort to incorporate the elements into my life, even in little ways.
I have several rituals I include in my daily, weekly, and seasonal schedules. I take vitamins and supplements every day that I have researched to the best of my ability. I practice connecting with breath. I have sought out different healings over time, and I hope to contribute to the decrease of suffering of all beings. Yet I am still very human, and I have SO much to learn. I still get annoyed at things, do things without intention or from a place of ego, and make mistakes or poor choices. I have caused harm to others and in turn harm myself. However, I am working every day to be more in alignment with my highest self. I am learning that that doesn’t mean making everyone happy or being “sweet” or “nice” all the time, but that it means living as close to a place of truth and authenticity as possible, even when it’s hard and feels shitty.
Spirituality, rituals, and “witchiness” has become increasingly popular in the western culture over the past few years and while it is still heavily misunderstood and misinterpreted, resources and community are more available and widely supported than ever before. Growing up in a very religious household with strict ideas about what should or shouldn’t be practiced or believed, I learned to be judgemental and skeptical of people who consider themselves “witches”. I was taught that people who consider themselves witches were “of the devil” or “evil” or wanting to harm and hurt others or worship the dark. I realize now this is not what “witchiness” is about, by my definition at least. Throughout history, women were persecuted for knowing how to swim, for being in tune with nature and helping animals, for knowing how to use herbs and potions, for even enjoying spending time in solitude or in the woods. Of course, the misconception of witchiness today stems from these pious, targeted beliefs about women who were considered “witches” and continues to contribute to the persecution of the divine feminine to this day.
As manifestation becomes more widely known through work such as “The Secret”, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) tapping, Lacy Phillips “To Be Magnetic” work, etc. it is common to become either overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information available or completely discount it as nonsense. Regardless of which is relevant to you (or if you are somewhere in the middle), I encourage you to just be open to at least learning about it one, small, digestible piece at a time. There is no need to know everything right away, and in fact that is impossible. Even if you are curious, it can be scary to commit to learning something new, or to the possibility that there is more out there than what we can see in the physical realm. It can be tempting to lean on a packaged, man-made form of “spirituality” that has clear steps that supposedly work for everyone. I invite you to explore what happens when you open your mind and heart to the possibility of a deeper connection, wherever you are. Read something, listen to a podcast, talk to someone, anything, then give it time to truly integrate.
Growing up in a “religious” home, it took time for my previously ingrained beliefs to break down. I went through a time of what felt like a death of my spiritual life. Of course, in reality it was all part of the process, making space so I could be “rebirthed” into a new path, a path of consciousness and have a direct, felt relationship with spirit and source (or God/universe, whatever you’d like to call it). Religion, as it was taught to me, seemed to be rooted in control, separation, blind following. Spirituality, energy work, “witchiness”, whatever you’d like to call it, is in its essence pointing back to the knowingness that we are all one. No one is right or wrong, although we can make choices that are in alignment with the highest good or not. Both dark and light exist as a result of balance, and of the universe experiencing itself and for this reason we can release judgment, bring the focus to the present moment, and lead with love instead of leading with fear. These three things (spirituality, energy work, “magic”/“witchiness”) have very different aspects and connotations if you break them all down but they are all connected.
It has not been until I have seen these forces directly play out in my life that I truly began to believe in using energetic practices in everyday life. It’s not easy, but it works.
Feel free to stop reading here, or join in for story time! (;
I learned several years ago, when I was around 21 years old, about The Power of Gratitude. The power of being grateful in every situation. It sounds cheesy AF but after seeing how it has contributed to my own life, I feel I must share.
I used to drive a little old Honda Accord. Actually my first two cars were both Honda Accords that were around my own age, and I LOVED them. Before the car I currently drive, I drove this little white Honda everywhere, and it kept going. Towards the end of it’s life, it was having some functional issues. Things would break, lights would come on, etc. During one of these instances I remember very clearly, I needed to make it to the gym and then to work. Lights were coming on, funny sounds emerged from the engine, and I started to feel that swell of panic that tend to come along with car problems. I stopped the car, pulled over, and practiced MAD gratitude. I thanked the universe ALOUD for my working car, in which no lights were on, that got me everywhere I needed to be and more.I thanked the universe for all of the abundance in my life, but specifically my car. I found a deep sense of gratitude and peace within. Then, like magic, the lights went off, the car ran smoothly, and the issue never arose again until I sold that car and traded it in.
Now of course, with an example like car trouble, maybe the car was stalling or giving issues to prevent me from getting in a wreck. Maybe it was to remind me to be grateful and present. Maybe it was just to teach me a lesson about the power of gratitude. Who knows, but I, personally, will forever remember that day.
In a later relationship I was in, the outer manifestations of our combined inner reality was a shit show. Both of our phones, cars, the house, the washer and dryer, the dishwasher, basically anything that could break did. The house became infested with mice and bugs, weird, obscure, hardships happened. It was sit-com level terrible. It would be almost unbelievable or funny if it wasn’t such an intense reality for two years. From the moment we got together, it was as though everything around us was falling apart. I still experienced some transformational growth through that relationship and it lead me to some of the best chapters of my life, but it was a beautiful (and horrifying) example of how when you abandon yourself or leak your energy to the wrong places, life becomes very difficult.
My most recent learning was this past week in which two things happened:
- A friendship that had ended several years ago because we had drifted apart, resurfaced. I had the opportunity to either over-give and “put myself out” so to speak, to say “If it’s not a fuck yes then it’s a fuck no!”, OR the third option, remain conscious, present and intentional, and be somewhere in the middle. Not emotionally charged or stuck in the past or worried about the future, but just intensely present and able to feel in the moment what may best serve both of us. I ended up choosing this “in the middle” option. She is a very loving soul and completely understood when I set boundaries such as time and saying no to certain activities. We both energetically benefited.
- I spent more time than I should have talking to the ex that things broke with. WHY did I do this? I want to say “Because I am human.” but that is really no excuse. I compartmentalized the pain and trauma and hard things in the relationship and decided to give in to the temporary need for attention, affection, trauma bonding, etc. We exchanged phone calls, pictures, and memes. I told him about some very sacred things in my life that I had only recently even shared with my closest friend. I knew, even as I was doing it, that it was unhealthy. The same week as I was participating in this energetic exchange, my debit card got hacked, my phone broke and had to be replaced, and my dryer quit working with a load full of damp clothing.
After this third mini-catastrophe in the same week, I decided to finally listen to Mama and Daddy universe. I reset my intentions, meditated, and asked for guidance. I returned to gratitude for all of the abundance in my life. I re-committed once again to honoring my needs and boundaries. I re-committed to stop leaking energy.
Both of the instances mentioned above were no one’s fault but my own. I was initiating and engaging in behavior that did not serve my highest good and I was getting in my own way. Using my energy in the wrong way, wasting time on things that could end up hurting both me and the other person.
I replaced my debit card and phone, but the less easy fix, the dryer, was my biggest teacher. After resetting my intention, realizing the lesson, and setting the energetic boundaries, the dryer mostly started working again…but not without my first witnessing myself become overly frustrated and attached to the outcome, and trouble-shooting, trying to embody some serious handy-woman energy.
All of this being said, I am no energetic guru or spiritual teacher. Not even close. If you’ve taken tequila shots with me, watched me participate in toxic behavior, or seen me with an activated pain body (AKA when I am really fucking angry or anxious), you can attest that I still have a lot to learn. Source is at work through me, teaching me always to be more connected, creative, and in alignment.
I feel like a spiritual baby. I have so very much to learn, and am just now truly learning to listen and to more importantly follow those messages, intuitive hits, etc.
For a very long time I heard the hits but I ignored them, and instead followed my ego’s desire. When we think of ego we think of “Only the best for me! Bigger, better, more!” For those of us born with a heart of service, the ego can turn this desire to change the world into something for it’s own advantage. Our ego wants us to feel as if we are fixing, helping, or even “saving” others. Our ego wants us to play the victim and the martyr. It is only when we make the separation between enabling, energy leaking, and wanting to do another’s work for them that our eyes are opened. We are able to look back and see that interacting with another being in this way did nothing but block them from learning their lessons, prevent them from fulfilling their purpose, all while simultaneously draining our time, energy, money, resources, and whatever other abundance we have.
All of this being said, people need to learn lessons in their own time. I absolutely did. At the times I was in these relationships or friendships, I needed to be to learn. I do not regret any of these relationships or friendships as I truly enjoyed parts of them and love these humans for who they are. I do not need to continue to blame them or be angry at them even if the situation was toxic or abusive. I do need to remain rooted and authentic to my boundaries and who I am, no longer abandoning myself.
Easier said than done, I know, but so very worth it in the end.
