Meditation Is Hard
“Meditation practice isn’t about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It’s about befriending who we are already.”
– Pema Chodron
“I have lived with several Zen masters — all of them cats.”
– Eckhart Tolle
I’ve told myself for years that “meditation is hard for me”. I have some ADHD tendencies, and although i’ve never been formally diagnosed with or test for ADHD, I do struggle with some of the aspects of it, certainly. Maybe it’s due to the anxiety, the addiction to the hustle and bustle, the feelings of uneasiness or difficulty feeling safe I have sometimes when I close my eyes, etc. Maybe it’s just a lack of practice being still, noticing. If you know me, I may come across as scatterbrained, and maybe I am in some ways. When I was in yoga teacher training, I was gifted with more knowing about meditation and guided by different incredible teachers, and was able to find some meditation practice growth there. I lead mini-meditations and breathwork regularly but have a lot of space to grow and create a more solid traditional practice.
As i’ve grown, my basic understanding of meditation practice has been this: Find a tall spine, and position your body in a way to be comfortable, but not relaxed in a way that you will fall asleep. Sitting, it helps to have hips off the ground at least a few inches, so a pillow or cushion helps. Get all your itches or wiggles out (that you can) then close your eyes or at least soften your gaze (or focus intently on a candle, leaf, etc., but for the purpose of this we will say eyes closed). Soften your body, unclench, relax. Notice if you are leaning forward or backward in space and come to center. Feel the current of energy moving up the center of your body, just an inch or two in front of your spine, up through the very center crown of your head, up into the heavens. Although your eyes are closed, focus your “gaze” up and towards center, toward your third eye. Breathe deeply, into your belly, in and out your nose…don’t let it stop at your chest and let your belly rise and fall as opposed to your shoulders.
Do not move. If you have an itch or a wiggle or your foot falls asleep, just notice it and then let it go. Become the observer. In this way, you prepare to take this observer’s seat in life as well. When things arise that are uncomfortable, instead of immediately reacting you can notice them and let them go as well, or address them from a more centered, grounded place.
That’s it. Those are the things I do. If you’ve ever had a beginner’s meditation practice, you probably understand that these things are often easier said than done. The moment you get it and have that little feeling of hovering off the ground just an inch or notice your third eye light and think HOLY SHIT I’M DOING IT! You often lose whatever you had and have to start over again, and again, throughout your practice. At least that was the case for me. Trying to not be too attached to these thoughts, even if they were seemingly related to the present moment.
All these things I “know how” to do (HAHA) and still, I have always felt “bad at it”. I have always had a narrative going that I am so very bad at this meditation business or don’t have time. Of course, as they say, if you don’t have time for meditation you absolutely need it the most and you better make time right now or else. So there is this pressure i’ve put on myself that I can never ascend, never become enlightened, never reach whatever the “next level” is, until I have a very strong, long, daily meditation practice.
Now absolutely, I do think a traditional meditation practice is important and lovely and has been a beautiful tool in my life, but as I travel along this spiritual path I have been taught that everything can be made into a meditation right? Because it is simply taking the seat of the observer and noticing, not needing to react? I used to go on long runs, 6+ miles a day, with no headphones, just out on the trail by myself. Was this not a meditation in itself? What about now when I nurse my sweet baby in the wee hours of the morning and I am awake enough from having been up for a bit but I lie there with him and am intensely present, noticing, breathing in the smell of his hair as it mingles with that of coffee waiting for me downstairs. Listening to the rooster crow outside. Noticing the sheer curtains billowing ever so gently in the crisp spring wind through the small open window. Feeling my cat nestled into my back on the other side, her purrs seeming to blur with my beating heart as they vibrate her entire aura. Holding this felt sense of peace, gratitude, and safety for waking up yet another morning, for being a mother, for being allowed to be a human on earth in the school of life. In my opinion, this sort of presence, stillness, observation, is absolutely a meditation.
Then isn’t everything? Can’t it also be a meditation when you are changing a flat tire in the rain on the side of the road? When you are standing in line at the grocery store? When you are running behind and get stuck in traffic?
So I am not so hard these days on myself if I don’t get in my “daily meditation” because I am finding more and more moments every day that are each their own form of meditation. Of course, as Eckhart Tolle teaches us in The Power of Now and A New Earth, the present moment is all we ever truly have and a traditional meditation practice is no substitute for true presence. He tells us we must accept the present moment, because it’s all we ever have.
I am working consciously to give up this narrative and story I have been telling myself that I am “not good at meditation” because it’s just not true, and affirming that to myself makes it seem more true in my life, and neither of these things are beneficial or conducive to being in the present moment or growing in my “meditation practice” whatever it looks like and however it changes day to day.
I am absolutely not a meditation master by any means and I have quite a long way to grow. However, I urge you to take this present seat of meditation as often as you can, wherever and however works best for you. Eckhart Tolle may feel overwhelming or confusing if you read at the wrong time, but when the time feels right for you, I urge you to dive into his studies, or those of Pema Chodron or another spiritual teacher. AND/OR remember that you are your own best teacher. You can not fail at being yourself. Your meditation practice does not have to look the same as anyone else’s and in fact, it wouldn’t look identical even if you tried. So give yourself some grace, release whatever narrative you have around it, and let yourself be present.
“In practicing meditation, we’re not trying to live up to some kind of ideal — quite the opposite. We’re just being with our experience, whatever it is.”
– Pema Chodron
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have”
– Eckhart Tolle
“Mindfulness meditation doesn’t change life. Life remains as fragile and unpredictable as ever. Meditation changes the heart’s capacity to accept life as it is.”
– Sylvia Boorstein