I feel this may be one of the last posts I “publish” before this blog launches. Though it may be more than half a year until that happens. I am nervous. I am nervous to share the shameful things that I have hidden for so long. I am nervous to step more into alignment with my true self and abandon the self I am leaving behind, but I am also excited for this. I know that a fuller, richer, life waits on the other side of choosing my higher self but it’s hard to let go. It’s hard to surrender, and to trust. I have a great fear of losing something(s) or someone(s) when I am honest, raw, not quite so digestible.
All of this has been coming for quite some time now, but I have not been numbing as of late, and so it is accelerated. I have mentioned this in other pieces but I will mention it again because it is the heart of this post: I have not been numbing. For me, that means no alcohol, no smoking, no TV, and no flirtatious chit-chat. It also means eating enough food and taking time to prepare food regularly, going to bed and getting up at early times, and being disciplined about my self-care and self-enrichment practices. Of course, all of these things could change in the future and I will go back to enjoying certain things in moderation when I can integrate it and not use it to numb. It makes me look forward to binging that series, having a margarita with friends, or a hot date. Even now, I allow myself to watch 1-2 episodes per week of Ted Lasso or another feel good show on my phone, but no more than that. I have eaten out with friends and loved ones, and I go over to my grandparents weekly, but the vast majority of the time, i’ve been enjoying cooking at home. As my grandpa tells me “Everything in moderation – including moderation.” I have struggled with some parts of being more present in these ways more than others, but it has given me a chance to look with a clear mind and heart at situations. In return, all the feelings have come up.
Being single, particularly a single mother now, has the most beautiful ups and downs. I enjoy my kiddo so much, I truly do. I look forward to things when he is older but being deeply honest, I really do not want him to grow up faster. I have friends who send me memes or videos about wanting the kids to be older already and those are ones I can not relate to. As hard as it is, it makes me want to cry even more when I think about losing the little one I have now for an older version, and then an older version after that. Each season will be so beautiful and I want him to grow in all the right ways but at the same time, i’ve never wanted to pause time so much. It’s so precious. He is so precious. I know the dynamic will change and some things will be easier and some harder. I do look forward to being able to ask him about his feelings and dreams, and getting to know him better as a person, yet I feel like I have been so busy numbing and surviving and working and helping with other children and moving and doing since he was born that I try to make an extra effort to be as present with him as possible every day. I have tried to do that since he was born. I try to look him in the eye, spend intentional time with him, talk to him, let him lead playtime, all the things.
Even if you don’t have a child in your life, isn’t this something anyone can apply? If you live alone, with a pet, a partner, etc. do you really want to constantly be living in the future, waiting for the next step? The present moment is such a gift. Intentionally looking at and enjoying the abundance and energies in our life is what makes up life itself. If we are never present enough for the little moments, we will forget them. As someone who has very spotty memories throughout childhood, I hope I can remember each part of my life afterward. I hope that someday when I have a partner again and my baby is grown and I am enjoying that part of my life, I can look back and be immensely grateful for this beautiful, bountiful, time of life. Hard? Oh yes. Worth it? Necessary? The most beautiful life imaginable? Absolutely. If I had a partner to divide my focus or how the household is run right now, it just wouldn’t be the same. Wouldn’t work. I trust that I am in the exact right spot at the exact right moment.
There is something very precious about this time that feels like a launching pad into the rest of my life and I don’t want to miss it.
If I was numbing right now in any way, I feel I would delay what is coming, perhaps indefinitely.
The yucky part (and by yucky I mean excruciating and nauseating) is that with not numbing, a lot has come up for me. Memories, pain, things others have done, things i’ve done. While this feels very cringey on many levels, I have the tools to deal with these things now, to process them, to really learn from them. In the past, I have numbed, and it has protected me from the grief, anger, embarrassment, shame, sadness, etc. So I thank that part of me that was wise enough to forget, wise enough to numb.
I also am learning that the people, situations, activities, moments, etc. that are meant to be in your life are going to be there whether you are numbing or not. Whether you are actively avoiding that yucky part of yourself or not. Perhaps even more so if you are not. We often find social comfort, attachment, and bonds through mutual or simultaneous numbing (watching a favorite show together, sharing a bottle of wine, gossiping or connecting over our own or others’ drama, etc.). I have had fear around being rejected, less fun, unwanted when I am not numbing. Who will want to hang out with me that I am so present that it’s boring or lame? If I don’t have my trauma fueling every word I say, every action I take, then am I even fun to be around? If I am not constantly seeking attention in a friendship or a sexual way, how will I know that I am valued, desired, cared for?
These are the SUPER FUN questions I have not learned to sit with. A big part of me has been irritated with myself that I never sat with these things before. I wish I could have thought about things in this way before I had a child, or right after they happened. I suppose I have many times in different ways, just never like this. Never for very long, never too intensely. I hope that now is better than never, and that I will continue to grow and have awakenings throughout the rest of my life. I am trying so very hard to have as many as I can right now though, and I feel that’s a very important thing.
So to numb or not to numb?!
I would say if you are numbing, at least be aware of it, and then when you have the time and space and safety and support and enough mental clarity and stamina, stop numbing and show up for your life. You get one shot at this life (regardless of if we reincarnate) so let’s try to get as close to in alignment with our higher selves as we can, eh? Then the work is also here: realizing that when we were numbing or “wildin’ out” we were trying to protect ourselves. Our bodies and minds are very wise to protect us in this way, to help us bear the pain, to keep us safe, alive, here. So I am working to forgive those parts of me, and recognize I had to go through and do exactly what I did at each moment in time in order to be who I am now and get closer to my purpose, and now it is in the past so I can not change it and neither can anyone else. Recognize and thank this part of you that numbed.
Then extend this grace and love and presence to those around you, to the world. Everyone is just doing their best. To call others into reality or into the present we must be intensely present ourselves, and honor that everyone is on their own path with their own timing. Unfortunately, some people never wake up and stop numbing, constantly avoiding consequences and hard feelings, but perhaps that too is part of their purpose for this life? Creating some karmic debt for later? I know all I can do now is my best moving forward, and that is it. I can strive to lead with love, not with fear. I can learn and be open to change and then once I know better, do better. I can work to forgive myself and others completely. I can set boundaries for myself, which is currently something I am no pro at, but i’m learning. If it has to be all or nothing I can chose the nothing until I am strong enough to move forward with grace, wisdom, and moderation. Right now, not numbing feels like being disciplined, and discipline is a new adventure every day.
Cheers to numbing, not numbing, and everything in between!
