At times I feel jealous
Of all of the people
Who are my age
And are still free…
Sensitive nipples
Unstretched skin
Not yet softened
And hardened
Cracked open
And healed
By giving life to another
Naive to how it is
To never be alone
In your mind again
Naive to how it is
To carry two heartbeats
Within one body
Realizing that
For the rest of eternity
You will have a heart
Beating outside yourself
It is terrifying
It gives you a reason to live
Sometimes I envy
All of the people
Who have a partner they trust
Who is given the opportunity
To love their pre and post
Baby body
Their partner bears witness
To both versions
Of their avatar
The one
Smooth with youth
And the one
Wrinkled by time
Once they partied together
Now they homemake together
My heart aches
I want to share
This sort of evolution
With another soul too
My friends and I are so similar
In so many ways
But my family looks much different
I never got to share
Becoming a first time parent
With another
It still stings
Maybe superficial
It hurts anyway
Then I remember
Someday it won’t hurt
Someday it will all
Make perfect sense
No one gets
To have anyone else’s life
And I sure as hell
Wouldn’t trade mine
It’s pretty damn cool
That I get to be a family
With my kid and my cat
It’s not forever
But it’s for now
And we are a vibe.
My future family
Will be blended
As are my thoughts
As are my feelings
If I go out to dance
I will think of my baby
My decisions no longer
Affect only me
Which means
I care for myself
Differently now too
If I stay home most nights
Go to bed at 8pm
I still get to feel
The flirtatious spark
Of meeting someone new
And when adventure calls
We still go
No matter how many diapers I change
Or how many bananas I serve
I still get to feel
The creative spark
Of being in
My roaring twenties
Getting to have it all
Is not possible
Not real
Yet I do
Have it all
And it’s as lovely
As it is heartbreaking
Actually
It’s lovelier
I AM free
I have the freedom
Of singlehood
I have the pure joy
Of parenting
I have a whole life
Left to live
And now my favorite person
Is here to share it
My life
Is only my own
My child’s life
His own as well
But for now, we co-exist
This little one
Who cries out for me in the night
Whose tiny fingernails
Are each a miracle
Whose voice I miss
When he sleeps
And my favorite thing to hear
With every sunrise
Who bring out the best in me
And sometimes the worst
He saved me
When it wasn’t his job
And for that
I owe him the world
Someday I will miss this
The chapter I am in.
I would choose this path
Over and over.
I was always whole
But now I see it
Mirrored to me
In his two bright eyes
My jealousy turns to gratitude.
Again and again.